Ps 133:1 how good and how pleasant…to dwell together in unity! Eph 4:3 endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
NEG: Harshness; Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness. Stonewalling; Flooding; Short-Circuit; Reject Repair; Rewrite History
1. Know their: dreams, hopes, interests, fears, (emotional) needs, trials, triumphs/failures, preferences
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration – positively viewing, respecting and appreciating their differences.
3. Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away - acknowledging “bids” and orienting towards others values and affirms them
4. Let Your Partner Influence You - yielding and “giving in” yields respecting one another on a deeper level.
5. Solve Solvable (30%) communicate understanding-acceptance and build unity in removing and reducing sources of conflict
TOYL Marriage: Resolve, Remove, and Reduce Sources of Conflict SoS2:15; Eph 4:29-32
6. Overcome Gridlock Detect, Dialogue (understand and respect) Do (address) Identify, Purify, Satisfy as possible
I. Gottman #7 Create Shared Meaning
A. Blended value system continually connects through rituals/traditions, shared roles, goals and symbols/values
Commonality/(Unity): Greater the agreement on “fundamentals, the richer, more meaningful and easier the relationship becomes
Intimacy: Increased conversation (shared perspective) over convictions yields greater blending of meaning, thus more rewarding
Interdependence rather than Independence: Devout Feminist or Devoted Friend
B. Early Warning Detector
Irritable/tension/distant/escape/lonely/angry/out of touch/distracted/escalation/hurt/no fun/joyless/emotionally unavailable
C. Magic Five hours
Part (2 min x 5 days) what’s upcoming; Reunion (20 min x 5 days) “how was your day”; Appreciate (5 min x 7 days) ;
Affection (5 min x 7 days) {Kiss away minor irritations}; Date (120 min/wk) love maps, turn toward, plans
II. Why Settle for a Stable relationship when you can have a Sublime one? 1Cor 1:10
A. Admire, Accept and Appreciate God's Perfect Gift to You Adjust, Accommodate, and Affirm the Differences
Rm 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Disillusionment (disappointment"fault-finding"reduced love & attraction)...Erosion/avoidance/anger...Detachment/isolation…Separation
“It is an unending task of true lovers to be sure the fun and affection outweigh the boredom and resentment.” Psychologicalselfhelp.net/chap6
Gottman: 85% have critical backgrounds that lead to inability to appreciate oneself and others (half empty or thankful)
Heb 13:21(God) make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus…
B. Investment in Each other and in a Common Cause
1. “Were the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be ‘I see nothing and I don't care about the truth; I only want a friend,’ no Friendship can arise--though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something…Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.” CS Lewis The Four Loves 98
2. Friends can be bought Lk 16:9 And I say to you, Make to yourselves friends by the riches of unrighteousness; that, when you fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. Pr 14:20 poor is hated by his neighbor: but the rich has many friends.
3. Common objectives make friends Lk 23:12 Pilate and Herod were made friends together: for before they were at enmity
Ps 119:63 I am a companion of all them that fear You, and of them that keep your precepts.
1Jn 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another...blood of Jesus cleanses us from sin.
C. Grow with Godly Goals Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.
Individual and Corporate; Spiritual Maturity (Christlike) & Ministry; Social and Recreational (Leisure); Accountability (Life Friends)
Questions for Reflection/Discussion/Response:- Are you satisfied with the quality of your relationships? What makes them satisfying? What would make them more satisfying?
- Why are we sometimes more interested in meeting “new” friends rather than building something beneficial with our “used” ones?
- If a person isn’t getting worth, value, and grace from pleasing God, where do they get it, and how do they extend it to others?
- What kinds of things have you done to build the relationships with those close to you? Are you still doing those things? Why/Why not?
- What goals can you set to achieve deeper, more intimate, and more satisfying relationships? What will keep you from achieving them?
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