Rm 12:18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
1Cor 1:10 Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.
NEG: Harshness; Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness. Stonewalling; Flooding; Short-Circuit; Reject Repair; Rewrite History
1. Know their: dreams, hopes, interests, fears, (emotional) needs, trials, triumphs/failures, preferences
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration – positively viewing, respecting and appreciating their differences.
3. Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away - acknowledging “bids” and orienting towards others values and affirms them
4. Let Your Partner Influence You - yielding and “giving in” yields respecting one another on a deeper level.
#5 Solve Solvable (30%) Problems
[For the 70% Perpetual-Unsolvable see #6 Overcome Gridlock]
Work stress (safe haven); In-laws (solidarity); $(balance empowerment/security); Sex(intimate acceptance); House (fair teamwork); Parenting
A. Basis=communicate understanding-acceptance of “them”& their feelings/emotions, rather than judgmental rejection
1Cor 2:15 he who is spiritual judges all things, yet he himself is judged by no one. 5:12 Do you not judge those who are inside?
Ro 14:10 why do you judge…? Or why do you show contempt…? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ
B. Build unity in the context of a friendship based upon mutual respect and valuing
1. Soften your Startup Jonah 4:9 Then God said to Jonah, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?"
2. Learn to make and receive Repair Attempts (I feel/need/want, sorry, get to yes, stop-action; I appreciate)
3. Soothe yourself and each other to prevent flooding (breathe, relaxing focus/meditation)
4. Learn to Compromise (finding common ground; inner-outer circle; TOYL Project Planner)
5. Be tolerant of each other’s imperfections/faults (acceptance rather than “if-only”)
1Cor 4:5 Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God.
C. Learn Lessons from the Conflict and rebuild the walls around the garden
1. Identify Feelings (defensive, hurt, angry, sad, lonely, indignant, unappreciated, worried, disgusted, want to leave, clueless, etc)
2. Trigger (excluded. unimportant, coldness, rejected, criticized, disaffection, unattractive, dignity, dominated, ineffective influence)
3. Root (history {family/rlshps/trauma}, fears/insecurities, unresolved baggage, dashed hopes, self-image, etc)
4. Fertilizers (stresses/foxes, poor cultivation of rlshp, busyness, unappreciation, no listening, depressed, etc = MY Contribution to mess);
5. Weed (what can change to make thing better (less damaging) next time?)
TOYL Marriage: Resolve, Remove, and Reduce Sources of Conflict SoS2:15; Eph 4:29-32
Communicate over effect and cause “I feel X when you do/say Y”
Out with the excess baggage*, erroneous expectations, and self-centered slop
No hiding and hurling *We need to be right; We feel superior; We dread rejection; We create drama; We cherish our anger
Forgive as you've been forgiven (graciously, undeservedly, permanently)
Learn your lessons well or you'll repeat them in a living hell
Influence by your mate increases their sense of worth and value, plus you might be pleasantly surprised
Chose to compromise on what's right and change yourself on what's left (as a gift of love to your mate)
Transform your filters, values, emotional responses, self-talk and tapes (parental, societal, and other) {otherwise, see "L" above}
See: http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter9 and Chapter 10 remembering Revelation/Reason/Reality Convergence=Truth
2Co 13:11 For the rest, rejoice! Perfect yourselves; encourage yourselves, mind the same thing, be at peace; and the God of love and of peace will be with you.
Questions for Reflection/Discussion/Response:
- If the majority of problems are unsolvable, why would anyone want a relationship? Are relationships God’s idea of a joke?
- Why is it that when we feel attacked, we dig our heels in and become more entrenched in our position? What will happen next?
- What do you think is the greatest source of conflict in your closest rlshp? If that were “fixed” would life be perfect?
- How can you contribute to unity in the rlshp? How are you hindering unity? Is the “problem” more you or them?
- What can you learn form “C” above to avoid a living hell? How does one’s rlshp with God help resolve things and build unity?
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