1Cor 1:10  Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.

NEG: Harshness; Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness. Stonewalling; Flooding; Short-Circuit; Reject Repair; Rewrite History

1. Know their: dreams, hopes, interests, fears, (emotional) needs, trials, triumphs/failures, preferences.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration – positively viewing, respecting and appreciating their differences.
3. Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away - acknowledging “bids” and orienting towards others values and affirms them
4. Let Your Partner Influence You - yielding and “giving in” yields respecting one another on a deeper level.
5. Solve Solvable (30%) communicate understanding-acceptance and build unity in removing and reducing sources of conflict
TOYL Marriage: Resolve, Remove, and Reduce Sources of Conflict SoS2:15; Eph 4:29-32

I. Gottman #6  Overcome Gridlock

Conflict from clash of dreams that aren’t understood, respected and addressed.
A. Be a Dream Detective "hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life."
Freedom, peace, adventure, healing. achievement, productive, significance, security, order, relax, reflect, travel, atonement, milestones

B. Dialogue (write, talk; take turns now, no interrupting or judging) Express understanding and support of your partner's dream, even if you don't share it or believe it can be realized. The important thing is to support each other and honor one another's dreams.

C. Do Now that you each understand the significance of the issue to the other person, is there something you can do to deal with it more effectively? How can you both change your behavior to improve the situation, be flexible? How can you show support for your spouse's dream, even though it is different from your own? If possible, come up with a compromise that you can try out and modify as needed.

II. The Good is the enemy of the BEST

Would you rather resolve, remove, or reduce a source of conflict? Idealism/Pragmatism
Bad Objective= To get my needs for ____________(security, significance, worth, pleasure, companionship, etc.) met through others
Better Objective= To profitably reflect the unity, love and wisdom of God.
                Unity= Intermeshing of distinct personalities for the accomplishment of a worthy objective
                Love= Self-sacrificially do what is in another's best interest
                Wisdom= Choice of the right objectives and right means of attaining them

III. Align Attitudes & Actions with Christ's

Maturity = having enough self-esteem/worth to be other-: centered, serving & esteeming
Phil 2:2  fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3  Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility/lowliness of mind let each esteem others better/more important/excelling than himself. 4  Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. 5  Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus

Gal 2:20  I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; 5:24  And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 6:14  But God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. . Rom 6:6  knowing this, that our old man is/was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin {but servants of God see context} Rom 12:1-2

IV. Readily Fulfill Roles and Responsibilities

Eph 5
                Respecter (see previous weeks re friendship)
                Obeyer of the Director's/Manufacturer's Directions
                Lover (not just Liker or Lustor) means you self-denyingly do what is another’s best interest
                Executor of Developmental Tasks: Leave, Cleave, One Flesh, etc. (Passages of Marriage, Minrith et. al. Nelson 1991)
                Server of Needs: Identify, Purify, Satisfy                            (His Needs, Her Needs, Harley. Revell 1986)

Phil 2:6  who, being in the form of God, did not consider equality with God something  to be grasped/held onto, 7  but emptied Himself/made Himself of no reputation/nothing, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8  And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
9  Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name…

Questions for Reflection/Discussion/Response:

1. If the majority of problems are unsolvable, why would anyone want a relationship? What’s the goal: Dream Delight Denial Dependence?
2. If we focus on serving others, who will meet our needs/dreams and desires? Is grace just about Jesus dying for our sins? 2Cor 12:9
3. What happens if we attempt to bury our aspirations without sacrificing/killing them first? Rm 12:1-2  Do you believe in resurrection?
4. How do you handle an uncooperative uncommunicative partner where you encounter bridge-out road-closed roadblock with gridlock?
5. How can you best love and serve those close to you (identify, purify, satisfy)? What will it cost you? What will you gain?